Deadpool

A Teen Titan Humor Fan Fiction

The Teen Titans in…
“Deadpool”

Apartment, New York City

A rather…ugly man dressed only in boxers and a t-shirt sat in his arm chair, flipping through channels on TV. Sports…no. Cartoons. Delightfully violent, but not what he was looking for right now. Porn. Maybe if it wasn’t scrambled. Suddenly the phone rang. He sighed and picked it up.

Wade: Yello?
???: Deadpool?

Wade put the phone down and walked away.

???: Hello? …

He came back with a red and black mask on his face.

Deadpool: This is Deadpool.
???: Ah, good. I have a job for you.
Deadpool: Who do you want whacked?
???: Just a few children I need taken care of.

Deadpool stood up.

Deadpool: Hey, pal I don’t do kids. Not my thing.
???: You’ll be paid for handsomely.
Deadpool: …no, no….turning over a new leaf and all…

The man on the other line spoke gave an offer. Deadpool made various noises of disbelief.

:: CUE THEME ::

Underground Lair

Deadpool: Lucy, I’m home! Nice place, very roomy. Wouldn’t have gone with this color scheme myself…

Slade stepped out of the shadows, honestly hoping his appearance would cause the costumed man to be quiet. It didn’t work.

Deadpool: GAH! Don’t DO that! My poor heart!
Slade: Uh…yes…well…let’s get right to business, shall we?
Deadpool: Aw…aren’t you even going to buy me a drink first? Maybe a little Marvin Gay…

Slade was developing a headache rapidly. His dossier said he had a slight chatter problem, but this was almost too much.

Slade: Such refreshing humor. In any case…these are your targets.

Slade pressed a button, activating the screens behind him. Seven screens, one for each Titan lit up.

Deadpool: Nice. You get Cinamax?
Slade: Cinamax, HBO, all th…would you cut that out!

That’s the Deadpool effect. Even the most serious of people will become morons in his presence. Must be because he’s the mortal son of Loki.

Deadpool: Hey, if I had a buck for every time somebody said that, I wouldn’t need this job.
Slade: Your job is to kill these seven teenage super heroes.
Deadpool: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Seven? Teenage? Super heroes? These? I didn’t exactly come wielding the uru hammer of Thor…or the mighty chimigonga of Larry. See, this is the sort of thing you gotta tell people BEFORE they buy the plane ticket.
Slade: Oh don’t concern yourself about equipment.

Slade pressed another button. Before Deadpool could make a quip about the absurd amount of buttons on that man’s arm doodad, a light came on in another section of the room, revealing a table covered with…goodies.

Deadpool: Sweet buttery biscuits!

Deadpool skipped over like a giddy school girl and picked up one of the shiny…oh so shiny…weapons.

Deadpool: Can I keep this?
Slade: Do the job, Mr. Wilson, and you get all of it.

Deadpool squealed happily, then coughed.

Deadpool: I did that out loud, didn’t I? That was meant to be an internal thing…

Titan Tower: Hallway

Raven walked down the hall, her nose buried in a book. Beast Boy was following her.

Beast Boy: C’mon! Please?
Raven: No.
Beast Boy: Please?
Raven: No.
Beast Boy: I’ll do your chores for a month! Three months!
Raven: No.
Beast Boy: Do you even remember what it was I was asking you to do?
Raven: Yes. You wanted me to dive into Terra’s mind and find out what she wanted for your anniversary.
Beast Boy: Oh yeah. I forgot for a second there.

Raven sighed and stopped walking.

Raven: I suppose you want a reason as to why I’m not going to do you this favor.
Beast Boy: A reason would be good.
Raven: I’ll give you several. One. She’s your girlfriend, you should have a pretty good idea yourself. Two. Invading people’s minds without permission is wrong. It’s almost a form of rape. That’s they’re private thoughts and dreams being violated. I won’t do that.
Beast Boy: You read my mind all the time!
Raven: Reading the thought that just passed through your head is one thing. Diving inside and searching for something is a different matter. Three. Whether you admit to it or not, Terra’s mind is an emotional mess. Diving in there could prove hazardous. Anything else?

Beast Boy stood there in silence for a moment.

Beast Boy: A year.
Raven: No. Why don’t you try asking Starfire if she knows what she wants? Terra tends to blab. I just tend to ignore her when she talks to me.
Beast Boy: That’s a great idea!

Beast Boy squeezed her in a hug, making her blush and feel very uncomfortable.

Raven: Beast Boy…we’ve been over this touching thing before, haven’t we?

He didn’t answer. He took off to find Starfire. He found her in the kitchen. Unfortunately, Terra was there too along with Robin. That was okay. He just needed to think of a way to get them separated. In seconds, he had himself a clever little plan. He ran into the room, screaming like a banshee. Before anyone could say anything, he grabbed Starfire’s arm and pulled her out of the room. Terra and Robin watched with sweatdrops on their heads.

Terra: …I don’t think anyone saw that coming.
Robin: Nope.

Back in the hall, Beast Boy explained his situation to Starfire.

Starfire: Hmm…I am sorry, my friend, but she has not made mention of anything in particular. Perhaps the box of chocolates would perform the trick.
Beast Boy: No, that won’t work. I wanted to make it special this time.
Starfire: …correct me if I am wrong, but is this not the first time you have celebrated your anniversary?
Beast Boy: Yeah…what’s your point?

Starfire sighed.

Starfire: Nothing. It is most touching that you are so eager to get your loved one a special gift. I shall attempt to discover what it is she seeks for you.
Beast Boy: Would you?! You totally rock, Star!
Starfire: Uh…thank you?

Beast Boy went off to do…something. What it was wasn’t important. What was important was that Starfire now had a mission. She headed back to the kitchen filled with purpose. She stopped at the door when she realized she needed a game plan. Just walking up to Terra and asking her what she wanted would be a little strange. There must be some way…eh, she’d think about it over a bottle of zesty mustard. Yum. Zesty.

Jump City Docks

Deadpool sat at the edge of the pier, reading the instruction manual for the jet pack he had strapped on.

Deadpool: “Thank you for purchasing the…blah, blah, blah…make sure the fuel cells are…blah, blah, blah…

He snorted and crumbled it up into a ball. He tossed it into the water and stood up.

Deadpool: I’ll figure it out as I go. Got me this far. Let’s see here…maybe this oh so shiny button…

Deadpool pressed a button on one of the handles.

Jetpack: (computerized) Self destruct sequence engaged…
Deadpool: Oh come on! Who puts a self destruct button on a jet…

Titan Tower: Main Room

Starfire was about to ask Terra a very cleverly disguised question that would get her the answer she desired when an explosion went off at the pier. They head over to the window and looked out.

Robin: See anything?
Terra: Yeah…some guy climbing out of the water. Looks like he’s okay.
Robin: Huh…guess it was nothing then.
Terra: Yeah. So, Star, what were you saying?

Starfire opened her mouth then frowned.

Starfire: Drat…I seemed to have lost my train of thought.
Terra: Eh, happens all the time.

Jump City Docks

Deadpool climbed on the docks, sputtering and smoldering.

Deadpool: No, no…I’m fine. Don’t worry about the guy in the smoking spandex. No need to come rushing to my aid.

Once his healing factor was finished, he stood up and brushed himself off.

Deadpool: Okay. Time for plan B.

Deadpool pressed a button on his pretty (yet very MANLY) new belt. Within seconds a boat came cruising toward him…and crashed into the wall. Deadpool stared at it for a moment before looking at his belt again.

Deadpool: Oh…remote CONTROLLED, not activated. Silly me. Right. Time for plan C.

He posed with his finger pointing upward. He remained in this pose for a moment before slowly lowering his finger.

Deadpool: As soon as I figure out what plan C is.

He then noticed a bunch of people staring at him. After all that, it would have been bizarre for people not to notice. Deadpool, however, was in no mood to be entertaining the masses, seeing as how he just lost his jetpack and boat. He didn’t even get a chance to give it those awesome flames on the sides.

Deadpool: What do I look like, some sort of street performer?

One of the people in the crowd tossed him a quarter. He stared at it for a moment then broke out into dancing.

Deadpool: (singing) Hello my baby, hello my honey…

Hey, times were tough. Besides, it helped him think. After he was done he told his loyal fans (yeah right) to scram. Taking the large amount of quarters he just earned (amazing how much people carry at the docks), he bought himself a raft.

Under Da Sea

Trident, the rather stuck-up, really ugly villain swam about in a rather aimless fashion. Ever since Aqualad had joined Titans East, he’s had few people to brag to. Who else was he going to inform of his own perfection? That’s when he saw the raft. That was it! He’d brag to this surface dweller! He swam to the surface.

Trident: Hey! Hey, human!
Deadpool: Huh? HOLY CHEDDAR CHEESE ON BURNT TOAST! Wow, Submariner, you got UGLY.
Trident: Ugly?! Foolish human, I am perfection incarnate.
Deadpool: Whoa. Then I’m sure glad I’m flawed.
Trident: What?! I don’t like you.

Trident took his…trident…and popped the raft.

Trident: What are you gonna do now, smart guy?

Deadpool pulled out his pistol and pointed it at the fish-man’s head.

Trident: Oh shi…

BLAM!

Deadpool: To answer your first question…shaddup.

Deadpool pinched his nose as he went under. His hand came up, counting down from three. When he reached one, he waved and sank. What a way to go.

Titan Tower: Raven’s Room

Shade peered out the window, curious. Raven didn’t even bother looking up from her book.

Raven: Honestly, I don’t see the point of this “quality time” you insist on spending with me if I just read and you look out the window every time a bird goes by.
Shade: Hey, I don’t look out the window EVERY time. Besides, I thought I heard something. Sounded like a gunshot.

Raven sighed and turned the page.

Raven: It was probably just the TV.
Shade: The TV is way too far.
Raven: Yet you can hear a gunshot from outside and miles away?

Shade thought about it for a minute.

Shade: Yes.
Raven: That makes no sense at all, does it?
Shade: No.
Raven: Sit down.

Shade sighed and sat next to her on the bed.

Raven: Head. Lap. Now.

Shade sighed again and laid down, his head on her lap. Holding the book up with one hand, she reach down and began to scratch his head gently.

Shade: Would it hurt you to say please once and a while?
Raven: That’s a very slim possibility, but why take a chance?
Shade: …I can never tell when you’re kidding.
Raven: That’s what makes it so much more fun.

Raven’s hand shot down toward his stomach and she started scratching fast. His leg twitched, though he tried to stop it. He sat up, moving her arm away.

Shade: Dammit, I told you not to do that! I’m serious about that!

Raven was silent. He was angry at her, not an uncommon occurrence, but this time it was much more then passing irritancy. He was really angry. She had crossed a line she didn’t know was there. Funny…that was usually his bit. How did he usually handle it? Okay, first she needed to give him her undivided attention. She saved her spot in the book and put it down. She turned to him. He was debating whether or not to leave, if her link with his mind was serving her correctly. She reached out to make sure he stayed and he grabbed her hand. This startled her as he wasn’t even looking in her direction.

Shade: Don’t.
Raven: I just wanted to make sure you stayed.
Shade: Why? So you can make me fetch your slippers and the newspaper?

Raven winced. She remembered now why he didn’t like to have his stomach scratched like that.

Raven: Sorry…I didn’t mean…
Shade: Yeah. I know.

Raven felt his anger fading. Good.

Shade: It’s just that…

And now it was rising again. That temper of his…

Shade: …I’m not a dog.
Raven: I didn’t say you were.
Shade: No, but you act like it.
Raven: You like having your head scratched.

Shade looked down at his shoes.

Shade: I don’t like the fact that I like it. I shouldn’t like it. It shouldn’t feel that good.
Raven: …but you DO like it. …from now on, I’ll only do it if you want me to.
Shade: …yeah. Sorry I snapped.
Raven: No, I’m sorry. Both for…well, you know…and for telling you to put your head on my lap like that. I can be a little…

Raven stumbled over it. She wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to put in there. Fortunately, Shade was there to provide.

Shade: Bitchy?

Raven glared at him, but let it slide.

Raven: …insistent.
Shade: Same thing, less rude way of putting it.

Raven shrugged then had a thought.

Raven: Maybe you aren’t so strange for liking it.

Raven laid out on her bed, resting her chin on his leg.

Raven: Try me.

Shade looked a little doubtful, but Raven looking up at him that way…it was too cute for words. He started scratching.

Outside Tower

Deadpool climbed out of the surf and collapsed onto a rock, panting.

Deadpool: Note to self…next time…bring…swimmies…

After taking a moment to collect himself, he checked his equipment. Nothing seemed damaged by the water. Goodie, his new toys were water proof. Okay. He was at the base of the tower. Now all he needed to do was get in. Maybe he should try the toilet. Nah, that was stupid. Not even he would do something that outrageous…at least not unless his comic series was in trouble and he needed a cheap laugh. He went through his equipment again.

Deadpool: Laser cutter…handy dandy explosives…pez dispenser…

Deadpool lifted his mask enough to pop a pez into his mouth.

Deadpool: Yum. Chalky. Where was I? …chimichonga, no that wasn’t it. Let’s see…oh right, equipment. …suction cups gloves and footie attachments. Hmm…that might work. First though…

Deadpool put on a pair of special goggles. Every laser trip wire Cyborg put up was now visible.

Deadpool: Wow. Some people are just plain paranoid. It’s like they think some sort of mercenary would be hired to come down here and start trouble.

In a dazzling display of agility, Deadpool made his way over to the building. He slipped the gloves and foot thingies on.

Deadpool: Great, now people will accuse me of stealing something OTHER then Spider-man’s fashion sense. Ah well. At least my name is still cool and original.

Underground Lair

Slade suddenly sneezed…which was really nasty when you’re wearing a mask like his.

Outside Titan Tower

Deadpool: Man this thing is tall. …and tall begins with a “T”. I might be on to something here…

Main Room

Beast Boy and Cyborg played their little video game, chatting all the while.

Cyborg: Any word from Starfire?
Beast Boy: Not yet…I bought chocolates just in case, but I don’t wanna have to use them, you know?
Cyborg: Not really. You know she’d go for it. That girl’s a living vacuum.
Beast Boy: And without gaining a pound.
Cyborg: She’s pretty heavy as it is.
Beast Boy: Yeah but…ah, you know what I mean, dude!

As they played they noticed Deadpool scaling the tower. Both of them dropped their controllers in shock.

Outside Tower

Deadpool: YOOOODAAAALEEEEEEEEHOOOOOO! Eh, that would make better sense if I was climbing a rope. Oh well.
???: Pardon me. I was wondering what it is you were doing here.
Deadpool: Welp, I’m a-scaling this here giant T so I can…wait a tick.

Deadpool turned his head and found himself staring directly at Starfire’s chest.

Deadpool: …quick question. How old are you?
Starfire: Uh…17 Earth years I believe…or was it 18...?
Deadpool: YES! LEGAL! Thank you o’ mystic god of bootie!
Starfire: What? I do not understand what you are…
Deadpool: And she’s an alien! I’m looking at every Trekkers dream…

Deadpool FINALLY managed to tear his gaze from Starfire’s endowments long enough to look at her face.

Deadpool: A red head? Hmm…that kinda messing things up, reminding me about Therssa and all…

Deadpool’s eyes travel south again.

Deadpool: …but I’ll get over it! Humina, humina, humina…

Starfire wasn’t sure what the strangely garbed man was talking about, but she knew when her rights were being violated…sometimes. This was one of those times. Growling, she clenched both fists, forming starbolts in her hands.

Deadpool: Ooo…that can’t be good.
Starfire: You will remove yourself from our home…NOW.
Deadpool: Tch. Fine. Be that way. I didn’t want to climb your stupid building anyway. T is stupid letter. Stupid T…

Deadpool stopped complaining…or rather Starfire realized she couldn’t hear him complain because he was too busy falling to the ground. With a gasp she swooped down and caught him.

Deadpool: …should have gone with an O. That would be an awesome place to live…
Starfire: Are you mad?! You could have been killed yet you continue to…
Deadpool: …or maybe an S though that would probably be difficult as hell to walk around in…
Starfire: STOP TALKING!

Starfire shouted this right as she landed near her friends, making them VERY confused.

Cyborg: Uh…Star? You okay?
Starfire: No, I am not okay! This groofbinic will not be silent for even a moment!

Starfire realized that Deadpool had stopped talking. She shook him.

Starfire: Speak! Prove your annoyingness!
Deadpool: First you tell me to shut up, now you want me to talk…women. Am I right guys? Back me up on this.

Starfire groaned in disgust and threw him to the ground.

Deadpool: By the way, I don’t know what you called me…but could you do it again? And pout your lips a little more as you say it.

Starfire wanted to desperately throttle the life from this man. Robin wasn’t too far behind. Raven decided to intervene.

Raven: What are you doing here?
Deadpool: Well, I was climbing your stupid T when…

Deadpool turned to see who he was currently yapping to and stopped in mid-sentence. He stood up in a flash.

Deadpool: Good shades of Gilbert Godfree! I now know what people mean by “fish belly white”! I thought your kind turned to ash when exposed to sunlight.

Raven suddenly felt a wave of anger. Strange. She was usually much more in control then this. It was almost like…he had some sort of bizarre power (and he does, or at least in my opinion he does).

Raven: I’m not a vampire.
Deadpool: Quick, somebody get me a crucifix!

Deadpool picked up two pieces of driftwood and held them in the form of a cross.

Deadpool: Get thee hence, unholy creature of the night…afternoon! Whatever!
Raven: (red eyed) That’s enough!

Silence.

Deadpool: Argh! She’s turned her hypnotic gaze on me! Free…will…leaving me…!

Beast Boy couldn’t hold it in anymore. He fell to the ground, laughing.

Beast Boy: Dude, this guy’s hilarious!
Deadpool: Gee, thanks, my celery colored friend. Few people appreciate the effort it takes to be funny in times of strife.

Raven was shooting flames from her nose.

Deadpool: …doesn’t that hurt?
Raven: Unimaginable so, but I can’t control it.
Deadpool: That reminds me of the last time I had Wendy’s Chill…
Robin: Okay, last time! What are you doing here?
Deadpool: I’m sorry, what?
Robin: What are you doing here?!

Deadpool pointed at him.

Deadpool: HA! I got you to ask it again!

Suddenly a slender hand grasped the back of his head…tightly. In fact, it was painfully tight.

Starfire: If you do not answer the question…
Deadpool: But I did…TWICE! …you’re a strong one, eh? Do you work out?
Starfire: Well, I do quite a bit of training but…wait…stop getting off the topic!
Deadpool: Shh! Don’t say “topic” around the goth twins over there. I hear they have a sale at “Hot Topic” right now.
Shade: Really?!

Everyone stared at him.

Shade: I mean…uh…I hate shopping.
Deadpool: Ah, but this has been fun. Sadly…

Deadpool took a taser device from his belt and jammed it into Starfire’s exposed stomach. She yelped and dropped him. He unsheathe his sword and swiped at her, just missing her.

Deadpool: I’ve been hired to kill you. Ain’t that a bitch? What’cha gonna do?
Robin: Titans, GO!

Deadpool paused.

Deadpool: Wait, what? Go where?

Cyborg punched him in the gut, sending him flying.

Deadpool: (groaning) Oh…battle cry. Gotcha.

He stood up, the pain already fading. Cyborg looked rather surprised.

Deadpool: Nice try, Robo-cop. See, I got this dandy little healing factor that let’s me even grow back limbs if I have to. URK!

Deadpool dropped his sword and looked down at the shadow spines in his chest.

Shade: Good. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to cut loose.
Robin: Shade! What the hell are you doing?! You killed him!
Deadpool: Yeah, what the hell are you doing?! (cough, hack) I just got that lung!

Deadpool staggered to his feet, bleeding rather badly.

Shade: You were saying?
Robin: …still was a little extreme.

Deadpool was mad now. Very, very mad. He drew his guns and started firing.

Deadpool: Ooo, you dirty rats! You killed my…well…you didn’t kill anyone, but you did ruin my costume and that’s pretty bad. I mean, getting these stains out is MURDER I tells ya!

Raven put up a shield, blocking the bullets. Deadpool stopped shooting.

Deadpool: Hmm…maybe I should have asked what your powers were before I took this job…HEY! LOOK! SOMETHING EXTREMELY INTERESTING AND DISTRACTING

Nobody looked.

Deadpool: I MEAN IT! YOU SHOULD REALLY LOOK OVER THERE!

Again, nobody looked. Deadpool pressed a button on his glove, causing a blinding flash from his belt. The Titans covered their eyes and shouted. Deadpool ran off.

Deadpool: Told ya to look away!
Robin: Don’t let him get away!

Deadpool hid behind a rock.

Deadpool: Okay Deadpool…you’re outnumbered against a bunch of superheroes whose powers you don’t even know. …though you are perfectly aware that one of them has LUSCIOUS cans.

Suddenly he sank into the rock up to his neck. Terra hopped over it and landed in front of him.

Terra: Seriously bud, I understand you like to talk, but when you’re trying to hide…NOT a good idea.
Deadpool: …you could really use a good moisturizer.
Terra: …I hate you…
Deadpool: You do?! Me too! We have so much in common! Wait…how old are you?
Terra: Seventeen.
Deadpool: Oh. Never mind.
Terra: Guys! Found him!
Deadpool: Ooo…this is gonna hurt.

Deadpool managed to press button on his other glove. Something on him exploded, releasing him from his stone prison. It also removed both his legs. The Titans arrived to find him pressing a weapon of some sort to the now unconscious Terra’s forehead.

Deadpool: Ah, ah, ah. Not another step or the golem girl gets it, see? …not sure what this does, but I doubt it would be good for her. Now we’re just gonna wait here until my legs grow back.

Deadpool’s legs started to reform.

Shade: …cool…
Beast Boy: …I think I’m gonna hurl…
Starfire: So that is what the human femur looks like…
Deadpool: There. Much better. …if only I had pants. Oh well. Time to die.

Everyone was all, “NO!” as Deadpool pressed the button on the device. Spikes shot out of it, skewering Deadpool’s hand.

Deadpool: …that’s not very useful…

Then came the intense burning sensation. The spikes retracted and he dropped it as slowly pain crept up his arm. It opened up, revealing a holographic transmitter.

Slade: (hologram) Hello, Mr. Wilson. Thankfully this a recording, so I won’t be able to hear you blather on in your last few minutes of life. To answer a few questions you no doubt have…yes, I’ve tricked you. I wanted you dead. If you’ve managed to take out any Titans, all the better. As to why, let’s just say you’re a disappointment to the family, Wade. Lastly, the pain in your arm is from a highly toxic agent contained within the spikes. Your healing factor can’t stop your heart from stopping.

Deadpool shrugged and cut his arm off.

Deadpool: …ow.

Deadpool’s arm slowly grew back.

Deadpool: Not so smart NOW are you, Slade! Didn’t think I was crazy enough to cut my own arm off, did you?! DID YOU!? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Deadpool stopped laughing and turned to the Titans.

Deadpool: You guys got a boat I could borrow? I need to go firmly plant my foot up Slade’s ass real quick.
Shade: Please. Your ass is going to jail.
Robin: Wait…

The Titans looked at Robin, surprised.

Robin: You know where Slade is?
Deadpool: Uh…yeah. I SHALL SHOW YOU!

Underground Lair

Suddenly they were in the lair.

Deadpool: Ta-da!
Shade: Sweet mother of mothballs! How the hell did…?! When did…?! HUH?!
Raven: …profound.
Beast Boy: …sweet mother of mothballs?
Shade: Shut up. Everyone off my back…

Shade threw Deadpool to the ground.

Deadpool: Aw, I wanted a piggy-back ride.
Starfire: ARGH! I do not know how much longer I can withstand his stupidity!
Deadpool: With those melons on your chest, I wonder how you can stand at all.
Slade: (sigh) Now do you see why I wanted him dead?

Slade stepped out of the shadows again. He’s really good at that. The Titans looked down at Deadpool who waved at them sheepishly.

Titans: Yes.
Deadpool: I feel the love.

Deadpool stood up and point at Slade.

Deadpool: Okay, bud! You hire me to whack the Titans, offer me a ridiculous sum of money (which I’m starting to believe you don’t intend to pay me), give me all this REALLY cool stuff…which constantly backfired on me, and then you inject me with poison and say you want to kill me through a nifty holographic thingamagig! So I ask you…!

Deadpool held up the holographic device.

Deadpool: Can I keep this?

Everyone groaned.

Deadpool: BUT! More importantly, why? Just WHO are you anyway and why would ANYTHING between me and you be a family affair!?

Ravager stepped out of the shadows.

Ravager: That would be telling.
Slade: Well put, my apprentice.

Deadpool stared for a second.

Deadpool: …how old are you?
Ravager: That’s none of your…
Deadpool: You’re not eighteen are you?
Ravager: Uh…no…
Deadpool: …EW! EW, EW, EW! You dirty little pedophile!
Slade: WHAT?! I never touched Robin!

Silence. Shade turned to Cyborg.

Shade: Pay up.
Cyborg: Hey, whoa! That wasn’t a confession!
Shade: Then what the hell was it?!
Robin: What are you two talking about?
Cyborg: Nothing…nothing at…
Shade: We bet on whether or not Slade touched your naughty parts.

Silence. Robin pulled his fist back and socked Shade in the gut. He slumped over, twitching. Robin kicked him once…twice…and was about to do it again when Raven stopped him.

Raven: Robin! Stop! …you’re not doing it right.
Shade: (whimper) Help…

Raven began to show a rather alarming amount of violence toward Shade, but let’s get back to the story while she’s busy.

Slade: Enough of this. Apprentice, it’s time for us to vacate the premises.
Ravager: Huh? But…all my stuff…
Slade: I’ll get you new stuff!
Deadpool: See! See! He’s bribing her with promises of candy and stuff!
Robin: Not so fast Slade!

Deadpool sighed and turned to Robin.

Deadpool: Guy, could you be any more cliché? Why not call him a dastardly evil-doer while you’re at it?
Robin: …well, what would you say?

Robin covered his mouth, suddenly realizing the implications of that question.

Deadpool: Hmm…well, let’s start with the obvious weaknesses shall we? First we have the…

Deadpool was silenced (thank god) by a blast of purple goo. It reformed into Plasmus, but Deadpool cut his way out with his sword.

Deadpool: That was SO nasty! It was like being trapped in a giant purple booger!
Cyborg: Tell us about it.

Raven finished with Shade (who was now bandaged up for some reason) and turned to face him.

Raven: This is nothing. I’ll fix this in…

Raven clutched her head in pain and Psimon floated down.

Psimon: None of that now.

Upon seeing Raven in pain, Shade tore his bandages off and leapt at him, but was intercepted by Plasmus.

Deadpool: Oh no. I am NOT fighting a pile of snot. I don’t care what color it is. I want the guy with the shiny brain.

Deadpool jumped toward Psimon. Plasmus was busy with a fiercely struggling Shade, so he couldn’t interfere this time. Psimon held up his hand, causing Deadpool to stop in mid-air.

Deadpool: …huh…little help?

Cyborg, Terra, and Beast Boy were helping Shade with Plasmus. Robin had gone after Slade and Ravager and Raven was still writhing in pain, unable to concentrate. She cursed herself for not seeing the attack coming. If she had been prepared, she could have easily stopped it. This left Starfire. She sighed heavily. Deadpool was the last person she wanted to help. Still…she flew toward Psimon and fired her laser eyes. He flew across the room on impact, hitting the wall. Deadpool fell to the floor and stood up.

Deadpool: That’s what I call a piercing stare! Get it? Huh? C’mon, work with me.
Starfire: Please…do not make me regret saving you.
Deadpool: Babe, few women regret doing ANYTHING with me…if you know what I mean. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Starfire looked confused.

Starfire: I have not the slightest idea of what it is you speak.
Deadpool: …then again, most women that do stuff with me are now dead…or Death. By the way, it’s a scary thing when you’re actual the thinnest girl I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen Death naked.

Starfire groaned and banged her head on the nearest solid object. Fortunately, that nearest object was Psimon, who had appeared behind her in order to make near-direct contact with her mind. He collapsed in a heap. Raven’s pain faded away. She closed her eyes and let her soul self flow out of her and into Plasmus’s body. The goo flowed all over the floor, revealing the now unconscious man inside.

Deadpool: That’s a wrap. Good work, team! Remind me to give you all a cookie.
Cyborg: You’re not on our team!
Deadpool: You’re right. So why am I still here? Oh yeah.

Deadpool reached out and grabbed Starfire’s breasts.

Deadpool: Honk, honk.

With that he used his teleporter and disappeared. Starfire stood there, staring straight ahead, a look of indignity on her face. Beast Boy opened his mouth but Starfire held up her hand.

Starfire: That never happened. Is this clear with you all?

Everyone nodded quickly.

Starfire: Let us find Robin.

Tunnels

Robin hit the wall, hard. His breath was ragged and he was pretty sure one of his ribs had just cracked. He berated himself again for being so foolish. How could he think he could take both Slade and Ravager at the same time alone? With no plan? In an unfamiliar environment? The next blow was to his head. Everything went dark. Ravager pulled out her sword and got ready to cut Robin open when another sword connected with hers.

Deadpool: Ah, ah, ah. Shouldn’t play with sharp objects. You could poke your…oh, too late.

Deadpool spun, his sword cutting Ravager across her stomach. She cried out and backed away.

Ravager: You cut me…!
Deadpool: Yeah, I’m a horrible uncle, ain’t I?

Ravager’s eye widened.

Deadpool: Oh, didn’t Daddy tell you? I’m your Uncle Wade! Give us hug!
Ravager: Uncle…?! You can’t be…Father…why are we killing my uncle?
Slade: Because he’s an embarrassment to the family.
Deadpool: I’m an embarrassment? I’m not the pedophile who gets my ass handed to me by a bunch of minors…and one incredibly sexy alien babe. Rwor. The point is, sure I may be crazy, I may be weird, but I’m a damn good killer, one of the best mercs on the planet, and I’ve got a singing voice like an angel. Do you have any requests?
Slade: Raaaaar!

Slade swung at Deadpool. Deadpool dodged it.

Deadpool: Don’t know that one, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it.

Ravager backed away, confused.

Ravager: Family…I can’t hurt my family…what would mom think…
Thorn: Are you insane? …don’t answer that. Look at your stomach! He cut you!
Ravager: But he didn’t kill me…

Slade and Deadpool were too busy fighting to hear her converse with thin air. Actually, Slade was pretty much beating the crap out of Deadpool, but he was healing at such a rate that it didn’t matter much. That and he kept talking.

Thorn: Pure luck. He could have spilled your guts out and not even blinked.
Ravager: …but…I don’t know that. He seems…nice…sort of…a little crazy, but nice.
Thorn: Enough! Help your father escape and let’s go. Throw your sword when I tell you to.

Ravager nodded and waited patiently.

Thorn: …now.

Ravager hesitated. It looked almost like if she threw it now she’d skewer both her father and her uncle.

Thorn: NOW!

Ravager threw it. It went into Deadpool’s stomach and out the other side.

Deadpool: ARGH! Ooo! Must…resist…iron in diet…jokes…

Deadpool fell over after Slade landed a good one to his skull.

Ravager: Father, let’s go.
Slade: Hmph.

Slade turned and followed his daughter out of the lair. The others arrived shortly there after.

Starfire: Robin!

Starfire flew toward him, but Cyborg stopped her.

Cyborg: Hold on a sec…scanners showing he’s got a broken rib. You pick him up wrong and you’ll puncture his lung.
Shade: Slade’s gone…again.
Raven: We’ll worry about that later. We need to get Robin home.
Beast Boy: Besides, we gotta split before Slade does the bad cliché number 76 on us.
Terra: …reveals his master plan to us?
Beast Boy: No, that’s number 67.
Terra: Oh yeah…wait, number 76 is…

KA-BOOM!

Titan Tower: Main Room

Terra: Good thing we got out of there with plenty of time to spare in a way that will never be revealed to the public.

Her friends agreed.

Robin stared out the window. He had bandages around his head and chest. Raven walked up next to him.

Raven: Thinking about Slade again?
Robin: Actually I’m wondering why I’m still alive. Slade had plenty of time to kill me then and there.
Raven: (shrugging) I’m sure he has some overly elaborate plan in mind that he needed you alive for.

Robin slowly shook his head.

Robin: No, it didn’t seem like it. Especially seeing as how close he came to killing me during our fight. If I was a little slower, I’d be dead.
Raven: I long since stopped trying to understand how Slade thinks.
Robin: Also…whatever happened to Deadpool?

New York City

Deadpool: Hey there, pal! It’s “Give a Superhero a Wedgie” day!

Deadpool grabbed Wolverine’s britches and gave a tug, making the old canucklehead yelp. He then ran off as Wolverine popped his claws and gave chase.

Deadpool: It’s good to be home!

THE END